ARPAF: Brandon Mann and I talk about coffee tables

This time it's Brandon Mann!

Snippet on him:

Brandon enjoys things like booze, an abundance of pets, change in his pocket, passing out in weird places, getting BFF tattoos, messing with people, and either having a curly fro or not.  Brandon is originally from Iowa, but he has lived in almost all of the boring square-shaped states.  

Other things that make Brandon rad:

• Oh God, we went to Junior Prom together.
• Has the biggest and most blue eyes on the planet.
• Understands the lost art of HTML.
• We used to rave our faces off together.

Here is what Brandon had to say:

Name:  Saarinen Low Oval Coffee Table

Designer:  Eero Saarinen

Year:  1957

Sally says:
that is a very important table. it's a coffee table, by the way.
Sally says:
by a guy named eero saarinen
Sally says:
who i wish was like, my uncle or something. someone i could bbq with. give me life advice, etc.
Brandon says:
you could probably bbq with him even if he wasn't your uncle
Sally says:
well he's dead so probably not.
Sally says:
anyway, do you like it?
Brandon says:
it looks like a ufo or a mushroom, both of which i hate
Brandon says:
and i don't think it'd stand up to a game of beer pong.
Sally says:
if this is what ufo's look like, then i'll be first in line to get abducted.
Sally says:
but it's tiny.
Brandon says:
tiny ufos are the scariest, really. how small is it?
Sally says:
41" wide 27" deep and 15" high
Brandon says:
so i'm going to assume it's not big enough to do anything crazy on.
Sally says:
nah, not really. it's a coffee table! you could play cards. put magazines on it, etc.
Brandon says:
well, the guy's name is pretty irritating, and so is the table
Sally says:
his name is pronounced 'arrow'
Brandon says:
to me, it just looks like a table. an unsturdy one at that.
Sally says:
i have a hard time paying attention to you.
Brandon says:
if we were sitting across the table from each other, i'd be yelling
Sally says:
ok so yay or nay on the ufo mushroom coffee table
Brandon says:
i would buy it at goodwill, but i would not pay sticker price, which i assume is in the thousands of dollars.
Sally says:
YAY OR NAY
Brandon says:
nay

Name:  Marquetry Occasional Table 

Designer:  Unknown

Year:  1950's

Sally says:
i picked this one because it reminds me of us at prom.
Sally says:
remember? you were playing the bongo drums and i was hitting the hookah pipe
Brandon says:
yeah, that was awesome. best drum circle ever.
Sally says:
i wonder if i'm throwing those shapes at you
Brandon says:
those are gigantic lima beans. another thing i really dislike.
Sally says:
what' your beef with lima beans!
Brandon says:
well, they're green. and nasty.
Brandon says:
you know, on second thought, i think those are boomerangs. either way, stop throwing them at me.
Brandon says:
the only thing this table has going for it is the vague hint at smoking pot.
Sally says:
hmm... but maybe you deserved to have boomerangs thrown at you. maybe i asked you to request a mariah carey song and instead you requested slayer.
Brandon says:
that's probably what happened, as you can plainly see i have pretty rocking hair.
Sally says:
yes, your dreaded mohawk is impressive.
Sally says:
you also have very delicate looking ankles.
Sally says:
what's really throwing me off is the base. the base isn't grand enough.
Sally says:
let me ask you this: are your arms at full length or are they bent? because you don't have any fingers or hands, really. which is creepy.
Brandon says:
all you need is numbs to play the bongos.
Sally says:
ok so yay or nay on the prom table.
Brandon says:
i'm going to say yay, just for the memories.

Name: Ortofrutta Box

Designer:  Andrea Salvetti

Year:  2004

Brandon says:
i'm going to be so pissed at this one.
Sally says:
why! because it looks like a crate?
Brandon says:
because it's a motherfucking crate, sally.
Brandon says:
how much is it, tell me now.
Sally says:
it's $2,695
Brandon says:
i'm so godamned pissed.
Sally says:
but it's casted and polished aluminum!
Brandon says:
what do you use it for?
Sally says:
well, it's obviously a coffee table, but they say it can be used as a side table or a stool!
Sally says:
multifunctional!
Sally says:
i would use it as a platform for my dance moves.
Brandon says:
i'm pretty sure every coffee table ever invented can be used as a side table or a stool.
Brandon says:
you could also turn it upside down and use it as a...
Brandon says:
CRATE!
Sally says:
it can also withstand a lot of weight.
Sally says:
sumo wrestling.
Brandon says:
what does sumo wrestling have to do with it? do you think a sumo man could sit on it?
Sally says:
yes. you? not so sure.
Sally says:
with your big behind.
Brandon says:
when i back it up, i emit a beep
Sally says:
what are the top 3 things you would do with this table were you to have it in your home
Brandon says:
turn it upside down and pretend it was a racecar
Brandon says:
play beer pong on it
Brandon says:
and make it a dog/cat jail
Sally says:
those are all good ideas.
Sally says:
ok so yay or nay on the crate table
Brandon says:
just get me a crate
Brandon says:
i'm going to say NAY.

Name:  Fucking turtle table, dude

Designer:  Unknown

Year:  1970s

Brandon says:
holy shit sold
Sally says:
yeah dude. that's a fucking turtle.
Sally says:
and i like how the turtle is way bigger then the glass so you'd constantly be tripping over it
Brandon says:
yeah, absolutely. it's obnoxious and amazing
Sally says:
look at how elaborate the shell is
Brandon says:
i have a hard time believing that something like this exists
Sally says:
and it's brass! he is. or she!
Brandon says:
well, that just takes the cake
Sally says:
what would you name your turtle table
Brandon says:
monnie or tartar
Brandon says:
really a toss-up. that's something you gotta sit on for awhile and really think hard about.
Sally says:
so yay or nay
Brandon says:
big yayName:  Crochet table

Designer:  Marcel Wanders

Year:  2002

Sally says:
it's cotton and epoxy! the epoxy makes it very hard.
Brandon says:
that's what she said.
Sally says:
that was good.
Sally says:
not.
Brandon says:
epoxy, eh? that's interesting. so it's waterproof?
Sally says:
i don't know if epoxy makes things waterproof.
Brandon says:
what good is a coffee table that isn't waterproof?
Sally says:
waterproof or water resistant?
Brandon says:
i mean, is it going to get stained if you spilled coffee?
Sally says:
i don't know about you, but i don't go around spilling coffee on my coffee table. or anything, really.
Brandon says:
things are different here in the midwest. we spill quite regularly. more than once a day, probably
Sally says:
what kind of stuff do you spill on your furniture
Brandon says:
whiskey, gatorade, blood
Sally says:
i see. i have some tips for removing those types of things.
Sally says:
i got sharpie out of a white sofa over the weekend.
Sally says:
i rule!
Brandon says:
now THAT is impressive.
Sally says:
so this crochet table... i am not sold.
Brandon says:
me neither, it belongs in an old lady's garden. plus, you couldn't put things like change on it.
Sally says:
that's true.
Brandon says:
it would serve as a nice pet prison, again, though
Sally says:
but again, pet prison.
Sally says:
dude. whoa. cosmic link. wow.
Brandon says:
zing. i just got a headache from that. thanks.
Sally says:
ok so yay or nay
Brandon says:
big old nay

Brandon Mann is awesome and to read more ARPAF clicky here.